Former Crew

Former Crew

Chuck “‘em into the Brig” Allen

Job
Bouncer
Fighting Style
Pro Wrestling
Age
47
Blood Type
O
Likes
Bare-Knuckle Boxing
Hobby
Signing Autographs for Russel Crowe
Bio
As a bouncer for a small-town bar, Chuck had seen many strange sights in his life. But nothing could have prepared him for what happened when he was bitten by a pirate (who was played by Russel Crowe and later won an Oscar for the role). Afterwards, he took on the vague appearance of Crowe himself, and decided to use his newfound strength to win the second King of Iron Fist Tournament. However, he was defeated in the final round by a fighter known only as the “Silver Devil” and has vowed to train harder than ever to defeat him in the next tournament.

Wesley “Tab A” Allen

Job
Comic Relief
Fighting Style
Bushido
Age
19
Blood Type
AB
Likes
Chopping off heads
Hobby
Chopping off heads
Bio
Not satisfied living under the shadow of his brother, Wes set out on his own to prove his worth to the Ship of Fools. After undertaking the traditional Journey of One Thousand Trials and Two Hundred and Forty-Seven Tribulations, he finally became indoctrinated as a crew member on the ship. Though he is occassionally prone to random outbursts of head-chopping, he is a very valuable comedic asset on the ship.

Matt “No Need for a Nickname” Dennig

Job
Food Taster
Fighting Style
Aikido and Kung Fu
Age
29
Blood Type
AB
Likes
BMWs
Hobby
Fire-Eating
Bio
Originally a performer in a roving gypsy circus, Matt was blessed with an iron stomach at birth. Able to eat anything from bread to titanium, Matt left the circus at the age of 18 to pursue his own career as a fire-eater. His stomach powers were amplified by the appearance of a strange, glowing band of pirates, and he soon became the food taster for the Ship of Fools.

Jon “Word Ninja” Heffley

Job
Carnie
Fighting Style
“Manji” Ninja Arts
Age
34
Blood Type
B
Likes
Cereal, Tears for Fears
Hobby
Sneaker Collecting
Bio
Conceived in a travelling carnival, Jon developed a soft-spot to the zany Vaudeville humor of the side shows that his parents watched mid-coitus. His life was changed when, as an infant, he was dropped on that soft-spot and damaged his medulla oblongata. The accident caused bitterness, resentment of authority, and mild retardation. He was dropped off at the very same perennial carnival a year later with a note attached reading, “His name is Jon and he likes cereal and Tears for Fears.” The carnies grew to despise him, and he set up a side-show where he ate CheeriosTM with his feat to the song Shout. He grew up strong and cholesterol-free, and used his talents as a novel conversation starter. He met a rag-tag group of improvisationalists that took him in, because they didn’t turn anyone away. Anyone! They trained him to make things up and pronounce “improvisationalist,” and he was an immediate mediocre performer. His carnival influence can still be seen in his scenes that involve elephants and never go anywhere. Oh, and he learned to fight in a comic book store or something.

Josh “The Buckler of Swash” Jersild

Job
Keeper of the Booty
Fighting Style
Twisting Tiger
Age
22
Blood Type
O
Likes
Gadgetry
Hobby
Avoiding Politics
Bio
Originally a C-average computer science student, Josh used to be the Treasurer for the Ship of Fools. After the “Pirate Incident,” he gained a knack for location treasure, and thus caused the Fools to quickly amass riches. He hides all of the riches on a small island, seventy-five miles off the west coast of Costa Rica. His goal is to eventually retire with enough money to start a successful Las Vegas casino, called “Swashbucklers.”

Ashley “Invoker of Parlay” Kaufman

Job
Stabber of Non-Fools
Fighting Style
Hide-and-Go-Shank
Age
It’s impolite to ask
Blood Type
Cold
Likes
Chocolate Milk
Hobby
Biscuit Wrangling
Bio
Having learned the ancient art of “stabbing people from the darkness” at a very early age, Ashley was a ruthless killing machine capable of so much more killing than her weekly quota. She set off on her own at the age of 18. One afternoon, after a day of ambushing evil muskrats in their lairs, Ashley came upon a strange band of seagoing men. Noticing they had no wench on board their ship, she donned pirates’ clothing and joined the men. Upon boarding the ever-sailing ship, she discovered what a strange group they were, able to pronounce big words like “improvisationalist.” Ashley decided that she would learn their ways and they welcomed this new female-type addition to their jovial comraderie. She has become fiercely loyal to the ship and now handles the perforation of anyone who tries to stop the Ship of Fools.

Paul “CMG” Kuliniewicz

Job
Lookout
Fighting Style
Tai Kwon Leap
Age
0×16
Blood Type
AB
Likes
Abraham Lincoln
Hobby
Drawing Moustaches on Famous Paintings
Bio
The tallest of the Ship of Fools, Paul mastered the “Boot to the Head” maneuver at age five. After the formation of the Ship, he vowed to use his powers to thwart evil at every turn. But in a freak compiler accident at the age of 0×0e, Paul was digitally pulled through a three-pass optimizer, turning him into a super-efficient killing machine. With his left arm upgraded to a plasma cannon and now able to leap several kilometers in a single bound, CannonPaul weaseled out of the whole “powers to thwart evil” vow by claiming that the agreement doesn’t carry over after a name change.

Sgt. Benji “Hallway” Milanowski

Job
Smithing things, ideas, and other nouns.
Fighting Style
Lover, not a fighter
Age
TBA
Blood Type
B+
Likes
Gifts
Hobby
Juggling
Bio
The concept of Benji was first conceived when a fast talking con man concocted coitus from a countess who birthed Benji. His papa’s poise pushed past, properly propelling practice of prestidigitation and persuasion. While wily, witty, and forever weilding words, Benji will cease so to succor shipmen and hence the title Sea Doc.

Chandler “Stowaway” Murch

Job
Zen Master
Fighting Style
Shaolin
Age
18
Blood Type
B
Likes
Songs about Barbeques
Hobby
Driving
Bio
A lone warrior from a far-off land, Chandler’s story was one filled with laughter, adventure, and heartbreak. Having only recently discovered his mystical talents, he ventured off into the world prepared to conquer all before him. His previous dealings with The People Under the Stage and mercenary work for Our Next Act gave him noteworthly credentials. He wandered onto a ship, having just discovered the dock. Once aboard the ship, he slowly revealed his talents to the crewmembers, and they quickly saw the worth he added to the fine vessel.

Andy “Quasar” Ober

Job
Drive-Time Weather & Traffic
Fighting Style
The Master Lock
Age
Bronze
Blood Type
B#
Likes
Organumists
Hobby
Archery
Bio
He is a guy that the girls all know. They notice him wherever he goes. When it comes to work he’s a house of fire. He can get any job that he desires. He’s a natural athlete as you can see. There’s no one as good at sports as he.

Scott “Klaus” Parker

Job
Residential Infiltration
Fighting Style
Frost Bite
Age
25
Blood Type
A(ntifreeze)
Likes
Capitalism
Hobby
Regifting
Bio
As part of its plan for world domination, the Ship of Fools mounted an expedition to the arctic to construct a secret underground lair. Two important factors failed to be taken into account: first, that the Ship of Fools’ ship cannot traverse ice; and second, that you can’t build an underground fortress when you’re on the ice above the Arctic Ocean. Things looked bleak as the expedition consumed its last ration of Funyons, until Scott appeared over the frozen horizon, riding a sled pulled by a team of elusive arctic penguins. He graciously delivered the Fools back to Lafayette, after quick stops in Memphis, London, Austin, Melbourne, Chicago, and Kuala Lumpur. To thank him for his generousity and marvelling at his ability to circumnavigate the globe in a single diurnal interval, the Fools welcomed Scott into their fold.

“Cap’n” Jeremiah Redbeard

Job
Captain
Fighting Style
Shin-Roku-Go-Ken
Age
24
Blood Type
AB
Likes
Thundercats
Hobby
Feeding his parrot
Bio
Known originally as “that guy who wears T-shirts sometimes,” grad student Jeremiah Thompson discovered an ancient map during a meeting of the Purdue Improv Club. In following this map, he discovered the Spirit of Old, who bestowed upon Jeremiah the name Cap’n Redbeard. Not knowing what, exactly, he was the captain of, Jeremiah returned to the Improv Club. One meeting, after all but eight members of the club had left, glowing radioactive pirates jumped out from behind the divider walls. The club members fought bravely and dispatched the pirates, but not before being bitten and mutated into half-student, half-pirate superheroes. Suddenly, Jeremiah understood his destiny and took command of the Ship of Fools.

Colin “Long Plank” Reindl

Job
Movie Critic
Fighting Style
Art of the Talon
Age
23
Blood Type
A
Likes
DVDs
Hobby
Elbow-Dropping Random Passers-By
Bio
As a baby, Colin was left in the woods of southern Germany, where he wasdiscovered and raised by a large mother hawk. Upon reaching the age of 10, he was discovered by a family of tourists driving down the road towards the airport, and was taken to the United States and adopted. He became drawn to movies and soon started a career ripping movies to shreds for fun and profit. His goal is to gain enough notoriety to have a biographical movie made about him: a movie to which he could finally give a five-star review.

Alex “SOG” Semchuck

Job
Spiritual Guide
Fighting Style
Cheek Turning
Age
33
Blood Type
Bordeaux
Likes
Easter
Hobby
Carpentry
Bio
Lacking a moral compass, the Ship of Fools were adrift on a sea of ethical quandaries. Lacking a magnetic compass, the Ship of Fools were also adrift on the Mediterranean Sea. Upon washing ashore onto a desert beach, they encountered a wandering hippie. Hungry due to a combination of being improperly provisioned and not wanting to eat stones, the hippie offered to guide them in exchange for letting him break into their bread rations. The agreement continues to this very day, with Alex (not Brian, as some originally guessed) guiding them in the ways of moral plundering instead of plundering morals, and also giving them fishing lessons on the side. While generally peaceful, Alex does have a vindictive streak, as anyone who dares cross him soon finds out.

Jeff “Spanke” Spanke

Job
Distribution of Powers
Fighting Style
Power Strike
Age
476
Blood Type
A-
Likes
Buffalo
Hobby
Destruction
Bio
Jeff can only be described as a mystery. Laying waste to anything and everything in his path, he has never revealed his true past, nor why he was brought back to life nearly 500 years after his death at the hands of a conquistador. His glowing red eyes clearly reveal a motive, though one can only guess as to what that motive is.

Scott “Chips Ahoy!TM” Yost

Job
Pillager of Computer Systems
Fighting Style
Drunken Boxing
Age
24
Blood Type
A
Likes
Reese’s Pieces
Hobby
Peoplewatching
Bio
At the age of 18, Scott was the pupil of Eddy Lauren, a champion drunken boxer. He learned quickly and eventually defeated Eddy in the King of Iron Fist Tournament, some three years later. Soon afterwards, Eddy abruptly vanished, leaving only a note saying, “I must seek vengeance against the enemy responsible for the death of my father.” Disturbed by Eddy’s sudden disappearance, Scott seeks to find Eddy and help to avenge Eddy’s father.

Kevin “Last Name Witheld for National Security Reasons”

Job
Intelligence
Fighting Style
“Disappearing” people
Age
You are not cleared for that information
Blood Type
A
Likes
Swords, S-Words
Hobby
Escape artistry
Bio
Born invisible due to a freak planetary alignment, the existence of Kevin was for several months believed to be a mere crackpot theory. However, scientists eventually positively identified his position through indirect observations of “The Funny” emanating from his person. Being detectable only through humor-band radiation, Kevin is the ideal covert operative, infiltrating rogue organizations for the purpose of establishing a global you actually though I would write the answer here, didn’t you? with a ferret.

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