Main Crew

Brant “Rubble” Bell

Job

Lifeguard

Fighting Style

Avalanche

Age

Approx. 4 billion

Blood Type

Igneous

Likes

Rough Gems

Hobbies

Metamorphing, Growing Crystals

Bio

The Ship was trolling along on course. The sails were ship-shape. The hardtack and drink were laid out. And the Fools were slipping into the doldrums. Then with a raTt-clAtter-Bang-O there fell into their midst a laughing figure of boulder, rock and pebble. This jolly Rubble grinned and guffawed and so revived the Ship of Fools that they invited him to strengthen their ranks. Greatly were they surprised to find that this mass of rock not only cracked their ribs but floated as well. In all seven seas he swam, dove, and water-pirouetted so beautifully that under his influence all of the Fools took to synchronized swimming for recreation and ‘laugh/booty’ acquirement. Whether this laughing, swimming Rubble came from regions of heaven, necessity or root beer, is currently the subject of extensive research.

Andrew “Peace” Blatt

Job

Laureate

Fighting Style

Pre-emptive Strike

Age

106

Blood Type

A-

Likes

Linguistic Expression, Tolstoy Novels

Hobbies

Sit-ins, Loom Weaving

Bio

Following in the grand footsteps of the great pacifists of old, Peace found himself embroiled in the very epicenter of one of the greatest battles of his generation: campus protests. Peace vowed never to rest until things were protested, and not just politics. Months of hunger strike famine served only to sharpen his resolve as debate and conflict swirled about him. Some said that Peace was dead, but truly, he could not be so easily broken. Peace joined the Ship of Fools as part of a settlement when it was discovered our tattered clothes and sails were the product of sweatshop laborers. Currently, the Ship of Fools enjoy Andrew’s mediation and conflict resolution skills, and the fact that his rations are half that of his crewmates.

Treasurer John “Cowboy” Clawson

Job

Border Patrol

Fighting Style

Ranged Attacks

Age

156

Blood Type

O

Likes

Lassos, Lariats, and other Loops

Hobby

Herding Cats

Bio

John hails from a simpler time when men were men, cattle were cattle, and mysterious rifts in the very fabric of time and space were mysterious rifts in the very fabric of time and space. A chance encounter with one of these threw him into modern-day Indiana. Initially fearing a reversal of the stereotypical cowboys/indians paradigm, John soon learned how to cope with the differences between his time and today. For example, he now wrangles cattle through improvisational comedy instead of ropes and corrals. His unique skill set led him to the Ship of Fools, who recognized his abilities could come in useful should they find the need to rustle anything.

Captain Kyle “Sweet Speak” DeJute

Job

Pirate-to-English Translation

Fighting Style

Psychological Warfare

Age

Never quite old enough to know better

Blood Type

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

Likes

Literacy

Hobby

Meditative contemplation of linguistic expression

Bio

The Ship of Fools found Kyle adrift after an as yet unexplained incident involving a rubber ducky and a ratchet. She fought her way into the ranks with many an adjective stab and verbal parry. After such a violent show of intellectual prowess, the Fools were pleasantly surprised to find that Kyle understood their inherently poetic natures. She now works closely with these rabid pirates, often re-expressing their growls and howls in the mellifluous libel that characterizes her renowned poetry and songs.

Ryan “T-Rex” Garwood

Job

Aerospace Engineer

Fighting Style

ACME Anvil to the head

Age

19

Blood Type

O-

Likes

Buoyancy

Hobby

Killing Mockingbirds

Bio

Without a ship, the Ship of Fools is nothing but a foolish prepositional phrase. However, the seven seas were already plagued with lesser pirates and their natural predators, copyright lawyers, so a standard sailing ship would not suffice. Thinking three-dimensionally, the Fools set out into the Ryukhan Desert in search of Ryan, whose ships were the stuff of legend. Ryan crafted them a ship fully equipped with all the amenities yet light enough to be held aloft with a mere three propellers. Impressed, the Fools recruited Ryan to maintain the airship in exchange for a lifetime supply of potable water and anvils.

Reneé “Kamikaze” Leyburn

Job

Helmswoman

Fighting Style

Overly-cautious

Age

Of consent

Blood Type

asdf

Likes

Numbers, especially Zeros

Hobbies

Pimpin’ it, saving horses

Bio

Once upon a time, the Ship of Fools’ autopilot went on the fritz and often led them several miles or degrees off course, instead of into maelstroms and run-ins with nefarious mustachioed villains. Since this clearly wasn’t enough error, finding a new pilot was top priority, and a brutal and confusing screening process began. Several boring ports and disappointing interns later, we received the resumé of a “Kamikaze with moxie.” When asked for a demonstration, she proceeded to pilot a team of six horses and a stagecoach into a ravine. When Reneé came to, she still knew port from starboard, and the Fools stand behind her as she plots a new course for comedy.

Stuart “BO” Ogle

Job

Opening Bottles

Fighting Style

Rapid Depressurization

Age

42

Blood Type

B+

Likes

The Proletariat

Hobby

Sticking it to The Man

Bio

Now that the statute of limitations has passed, the tale of Stuart’s role in the great cola revolt of 1978 can be told. Until now few have mentioned the revolt, as Coca-Cola and Pepsi have pressured media outlets and historians to keep a lid on things, lest further labor unrest be shaken up. In that year, Stuart, hearing the plight of his fellow beverage industry workers, rose up to protest the placement of factory bathrooms at the end of a narrow, rickety catwalk high above a vat of boiling phosphoric acid. Ignored by middle management, Stuart retaliated by rallying his fellow factory workers to sabotage cola production by pre-opening all bottles, thus releasing the carbonization. Fearing sales would flatten, middle management quickly closed and then demolished the plant before the first sabotaged shipment could be sent. Stuart fled from the law, going into hiding to avoid being charged with ten million counts of aggravated unscrewing. But now that the Ship of Fools has agreed to defend him from any lingering aggressors, Stuart is finally able to appear in public.

Steven “Angel Hair” Saltsman

Job

Figurehead

Fighting Style

Thirty Lashes with a Wet Noodle

Age

8675309

Blood Type

Ragu

Likes

Spa Ghettos

Hobbies

Jewelry Making and Bike Shows

Bio

Nothing, no animal, no one could have been so desolate as Angel Hair in the Sausee Sea. Not a soul with which to chuckle nor a partner with whom to rig a tony. His Mastah, Choli, had commanded him to stay put, but he figured that 10,011,005,784 days was long enough to wait for someone who had allegedly just gone to the loo. So off he went across the Sausee Sea on his Capellamborghini. Not too long before he ran into the Ship of Fools. Literally. Crashed into them. Seeing as how neither party had paper or penne with which to exchange insurance information, they reached a compromise. The lovely Angel Hair would grace the Ship as its figurehead, and the Ship would allow him so to grace them. Who wants a mermaid to adorn your prow when Angel Hair offers so many more pastabilities?

Eric “Beard” Talbert

Job

Disguise Specialist

Fighting Style

Windmill Genocide

Age

5 o’clock

Blood Type

Unleaded

Likes

Jean-Claude Van Damme

Hobby

Photoshopping

Bio

Somewhat lacking in capacity for covert operations, the Ship of Fools sought out a wizened sage skilled in the arts of deception and concealment, one who was clearly not schooled in ninjutsu (thus avoiding the age old conflict of pirates versus ninjas). Fearing an obvious audition would only invite the worst applicants, we actually pretended to sell lawn gnomes. Only Eric was clever enough to decipher our cryptic ad in the Yellow Pages. One Friday, Beard snuck past our sentries cleverly disguised as part of the inventory and proceeded to commandeer an automobile from the hold before being caught. Fortunately, he chose to remain with the crew to bolster the ranks as another skilled tradesman and con artist.

John “Freshman” Tubergen

Job

Cook

Fighting Style

A really, really strong defense

Age

18 months

Blood Type

Maple

Likes

Afternoon sunlight

Hobby

Standing still

Bio

Created in a secret underground genetic research laboratory beneath Boise, John was intended to be the world’s first successful human clone. When an intern accidentally gave the embryonic John Miracle-Gro and the lab’s ficus human growth hormone, both began to grow out of control. Abandoning the project, embryonic John and the ficus were shipped out, along with some of the lab’s nuclear waste, and dumped in the Wabash River. The radiation caused embryonic John and the ficus to mutate and combine into a single half-man, half-plant creature. Endowed with the ability to mimic most metabolic processes of plants, John now works in the Kitchen of Fools, using his abilities to grow their food himself — literally — with a particular prediliction for producing potatoes.

Former Crew

The longevity of the Ship of Fools has proved to be longer than the longevity of your typical student’s academic career at Purdue. Crew members that are no longer with us for one reason or another are not listed on this page. However, some say the the ghosts of the bios of the Former Crew still haunt this website somewhere, though evidence has yet to be found.